The Balancing Act of Work and Kids: 7 Life Lessons from the Parent Circuit
No one ever fully comprehends the impact children have on life until after they’re born — and for those fully immersed in challenging careers, the arrival of kids can prove a different type of a shock. We asked TED Fellows — whose disciplines range from science to activism to art and beyond — to share how becoming a parent impacted their lives, their work, and their outlook on life.
1. It’s about becoming selfless and more assertive at the same time. It’s about never accepting the status quo.
Catharine Young: Scientist/Social Entrepreneur
When I started a new job being 6 months pregnant, I knew things were going to be tough. I just didn’t realize to what extent. I found myself constantly apologizing for my condition — then, just before my due date, I was informed that my maternity leave would consist of 12-and-a-half paid days. I was even advised to consider not taking the full time off, in case I had to accommodate future doctors’ appointments.
Now, I knew that the United States had the worst support and maternity leave policies in the world — I just never expected to be at the brunt of it. Suddenly, life was brought into focus. I stopped apologizing and started acting. I started a dialogue, uncovered inconsistencies in department policies, developed a mountain of support from colleagues and insisted that what was offered was simply not humanly acceptable. As a result, my former workplace now has an entirely new maternity leave policy.
I am acutely aware that this struggle pales in comparison to others who have to fight for their equal rights daily. But my daughter has taught me to never dismiss what is rightly yours and has given me the power to stand up for myself and the will to fight for others. It was no longer about me, but about the health and well-being of my soon-to be born child. She instilled in me a strength and conviction I never knew I possessed.
2. It’s about understanding that every directed action, every spoken word, every silent gesture will be absorbed. It’s about realizing that you are responsible for shaping the next generation.
Boniface Mwangi: Human Rights Activist/Photographer
As a human rights activist, I face constant danger. My kids have taught me it is better to live for my country than to die for it. And although I’ve toned down and become less reckless, the values I carry with me in my work are even stronger. Children imitate. They may not hear what you are saying, but they are seeing what you’re doing. Let your actions reflect your words. Let your words count when you speak. Keep your word when you give it. Be the best role model you can possibly be. I fight every day for a safer country and a better future for my children. I want to show them that one person can make a difference, so that they will continue do so when they are older.
3. It’s about understanding that sometimes our carefully designed life’s path will make an abrupt detour—and having the resolve to be successful regardless.
Louisa Preston: Astrobiologist & Planetary Geologist/Author
As a space scientist working in academia, I was accustomed to working contract to contract. Yet once I decided to have children, this lack of stability became a dark cloud of fear that followed me around. Two weeks after having my son, while I was completely overwhelmed by new parenthood, my worst fear was realized. My contract ended, and I found out the grant I had been pinning all my hopes on wasn’t successful. Suddenly, the research career I’d spent the last 15 years creating vanished before my eyes, along with the future I’d planned and looked forward to.
A few months later, I received an offer: a commission to write a science book on astrobiology. Suddenly I was no longer a practicing scientist but an author. The next few years turned out to be best of my life. My newfound career allowed me to spend time writing about a subject I love while giving me the flexibility to get to know and raise my wonderful little boy.
Changing careers is hard at any time of life, but with a young family to support, it’s an enormous risk that impacts everyone. Regardless of the obstacles you face as a parent, you have to keep pushing forward — there is no other option.
4. It’s about realizing that you can never be everything to your child. You really do need a village.
Anonymous: Single parent by choice from a Muslim, Middle Eastern background
I was raised by two, loving, involved Middle Eastern parents in the US who constantly exposed me and my sisters to other adults in their community. Nevertheless, it didn’t occur to me when I was married and thinking about having a child of my own that my community would play a critical role in the life of my children. It wasn’t until I became a single mother (following a divorce, with a child conceived by a donor) that I began to really see the value of the proverbial village in my child’s development.
As a single mother, I naturally thought about how to create male role models for my child, but I quickly realized that she needed far more than good relationships with men. She needed someone to teach her how to bake cookies (I don’t bake), someone to play house with her (I far prefer outdoor games), and other loving, fun influences to give her advice when she wasn’t in the mood to listen to me. A core strategy of my parenting plan has become creating a diverse and international web of support for my daughter, which I imagine will be even more crucial during her adolescence. No person or couple can be everything to their children. The proverbial village is key to providing a comprehensive life education and robust safety net.
5. It’s about seeing the world through a different lens, one that allows you broaden your thinking and changes your perspectives.
Michele Koppes: Glaciologist/Geomorphologist/Professor
Before I became a parent, I thought I was comfortable following my academic and scientific career path. I felt I could express creativity and test boundaries by communicating science through visual and spoken media, and experiment with new ways to educate and advocate about climate change. When my daughter was born, I dreamed I’d teach her to explore nature, to be forever curious about life and learning, and to share my passion for conservation and for the outdoors. However, I now know that I have as much to learn from her as she ever will from me. Watching my daughter explore the world with all her senses and seeing her become fascinated with how her body and her emotions interact with the world have inspired me to seek new ways to understand nature — and human nature — beyond the traditional scientific, male-dominated, colonial approaches to knowledge.
Through her eyes, I am rediscovering what it means to explore. My research has taken on new directions — including using music and nontraditional, indigenous perspectives in interpreting climate change. It has also renewed my mission to include more opportunities for women, especially young women, to succeed in research, academia, the earth sciences and particularly glaciology –without harassment, with an innate sense of equality and without limiting themselves to outdated, gender-biased viewpoints.
6. It’s about respecting time and using it wisely, because having a child brings into focus how little of it we actually have.
Alicia Eggert: Artist/ Professor
The work I do as an artist is a result of my personal struggle “to live in the space of a moment, and to understand eternity” — a quote from one of my favorite books, The Tracker, by Tom Brown. I make art that attempts to reconcile those oppositional concepts of time: the linear and finite nature of my own life within the context of a cyclical and seemingly infinite universe. We experience time as a continuous progression from the known past to the unknown future, yet we often struggle to forget the past and predict the future. And never before has that unknown future been so important and threatening to me as it is now that I have a child.
Parenthood has brought my own mortality and the uncertain future of our planet and species into painfully sharp focus, while the present has become a complete blur. It can feel incredibly disorienting and discouraging. The less time I have to spare, the more it increases in value, which makes “unproductive” activities like daydreaming feel almost sinful.
But I try to remind myself that the work I’m doing as an artist is just as important as the work I’m doing as a parent. I believe our hope for a brighter, more peaceful and more sustainable future lies in our ability to imagine it before we can make it so.
7. It’s the understanding that your life will have a new balance, with new priorities. It’s about learning the value of saying no—and being OK with that.
Genevieve von Petzinger: Paleoanthropologist and cave art researcher
I’m an archaeologist and I study ancient cave art from Ice Age Europe. My research had always been an all-consuming priority, and before my son was born, I thought I’d be able to just strap him onto me and carry on with what I was doing.
I was wrong. I found myself faced with an entirely new situation: I suddenly had two first priorities. It tore me apart and, honestly, I wasn’t doing anything very well. My son was about eight months old when I had my aha moment and realized that I couldn’t have two number ones. So I had to ask myself, “What is my number one priority?” The answer, hands-down, was my son, my family.
Once I figured that out, everything suddenly became so much easier. It’s funny how it took having a child for me to finally start finding balance in my life! This is also when I really learned how to say no — all requests for my time and energy are now evaluated against how it will affect my — and my family’s — well-being. Having my son has forced me to learn how to be present in a way that I just wasn’t before, and by embracing it instead of fighting it, it’s enriched my life enormously.
The TED Fellows program hand-picks young innovators from around the world to raise international awareness of their work and maximize their impact.
